Welcome, welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us in tonight’s festivities. We are proud to once again present to you “The GRANDest Pageant: The Best Goddamned Show on Earth” because at the heart of it, this show is all about us!

Tonight, please join us for an evening that harkens back to the wonderful days of community and the truly important things that have always brought us together.

Come for the celebration with our one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-lifetime performances and pick your favorite!

Witness all the spectacle that titillates the known senses while challenging our deepest desires and choose which one is best!

Bid in the showcase that brings us all together as we appreciate our deeply held values.

Now, for those poor souls that may be deprived of the glory from this evening…

You put their little fears at ease. See this show isn’t going anywhere, despite what all them nay-sayers want to tell you. As long as you’re here, we’ll always be here setting up next show. Because, when it comes down to it, you’re the only one that’ll stop it. But I’m heartened to say that I don’t see that happening any time soon; we always seem to have a full house!

Remember, it’s an evening where everyone is a winner, so get ready folks: It’s time to pick the favorites, it’s time to choose the best, it’s time for The GRANDest Pageant!